A cornucopia of gifts.

Because you're very popular and have tons of friends, you probably have a lot of birthdays and other reasons to give gifts. Since you're trying to be frugal while remaining a good pal, you'll need to come up with some fiscally responsible gift ideas. I have a few ideas that will help you:

1. Just send cards. Rather than sending emails or weird e-cards or simply saying "happy bday" on Facebook, make a cute card. Remember construction paper and glue sticks? Or maybe you have a fun box of cards stashed in your desk. Use them! Stamps are getting spendy, but it's not so bad. Everyone loves to get mail. 

2. Photos. Do you have some great pictures that you can print and insert into a cute/cheap photo frame that you bought at a thrift store? Good gift!

3. Books. Do you have a stack of books by your favorite author that you've already read? And perhaps you have a sweet friend who also likes to read. Perhaps they would like an assortment of reading materials along with a friendly note explaining why you thought they'd like them.

4. Foods. Cook your friend dinner (and cupcakes!) Because you have all of this free time to learn how to cook you can cheaply replicate your recipe box and cook them some of your favorites. 

Here are just a few kinda obvious ideas. I think you can come up with more ideas on your own. Can you sew? Paint? Draw? Provide any kind of service? Go for it!

What have you done lately?

Has it been about 49 years since you wrote or updated your resume? This is a common fear I am hearing somewhat frequently, especially in this so called "economy" where you want to be sure you cram all of the amazing things you have done and know how to do  into a few measly bullet points. How are they going to know how awesome you are?! Why don't they call me for an interview already!? What font should I use!? All of these fears are valid. I don't have a suggestion for some kind of magic class you can take where they will teach you all of these things but I do have some thoughts to help you out. One of them I outlined here. 

Another thought is to get together a group of both employed and job-free friends for a resume review. Start by making your resume like 5 pages long. Just dump everything in there that you can think of. Then you can narrow it down and tailor it to fit the details of certain jobs. Once you have your friends gathered you can have them review your pared down, final one-page resume. I have always heard that it's best for everything to fit on one page. Does anyone know if this is still the case? Are there instances when it is not? Anyway, I think it's best to rely on your friend family to give you input, assuming your friends are smart and honest. Have your other jobless friends bring theirs so that by the end of the night everyone is sort of drunk on Chuck Shaw and has a solid starting point from which to land the job of their dreams. Rad, right?

Getting springy with it.

I'm sorry for the stupid Will Smith reference, I really am. However, it's hella sunny and you don't have a job. I say this is a perfect opportunity to ignore all of my aforementioned advice for responsibility and keeping busy in favor of a more flippant form of amazing fun times. Where is the nearest park? What is your favorite six pack? Do you like champagne? Are your friends able to call in sick? Do you have a bike? Are you reading a good book? Can your other unemployed friends join you? Do you have a watering hole like this one nearby? If so, please ignore Craigslist and Linked in today. Please don't even look at your bank account, budget, resume, list of chores or even your gym membership. Just go outside and chill out. However, if none of your friends can ditch their jobs today, maybe wait to open the six pack until later so you're not 109 sheets to the wind by the time they get off work. Nah mean?

Pinata party.

This past weekend I attended a party which was themed "MEXICAN POTLUCK!" It was a great time and we ingested many delicious treats and a few adult beverages. Above you will likely see with your eyes a photo of a green person (s/he was slimed!) next to a beautiful bird. This bird is filled with candy, mini bottles of tequila and some other items for laughs. Some good friends jovially contributed him to the potluck, how did they know we wanted mini-candy for dessert?

I am telling you about this should you be interested in filling some of your free time dedicated to the creation of your own pinata. What could be more fun than supplying your friends with a few hearty swings? It was also discovered that it is great for the job-free to get out some of their angst and inner turmoil by swinging a stick maniacally at a paper bird whilst blindfolded. Here are your directions:

1. Inflate a/some balloon(s). You can use strong double sided tape to connect them in order to make a THORAX, if you will. You can add additional shapes like tails, noses, hats, arms, legs etc. with cardboard (paper towel innards work well!). Use not toooo much clear tape to bind everything together into a cute shape. Tie a string around one or the only balloon knot.

2. Before you start pasting, make sure you have a nice area covered in a tarp or newspaper. Don't want daddy (or mommy) to yell at you for accidentally paper mache'ing the floor.

3. Make some paste! In a big pot, mix 1 part flour and 2 parts water. Those parts can be quarts, pints, whatever you want. Whisk the ingredients together (you're not making soup!) and heat them on medium for about 3 mins until it's almost thick. Remove from heat and the pot and store in a large bowl. 

4. Start tearing newspaper into strips that are about an inch wide. You want to get these wicked goopy by "dredging" them in your paste. Have you ever made fried chicken? It's like that, but don't eat it. Instead, you want to cover the balloon beast with a thick layer of these pastey strips. You will want to do this methodically so you know for sure all three layers have been applied. Be sure you are keeping track of the string. Let it sit for awhile and get all dry and hard.

5. Decorate! It's fun to use that tempra paint stuff that they sell at Wallgreens. You can also glue crepe paper on it to make eyeballs and other stuff like that. Or you can make a generic newspaper ghost. Up to you, dude!

6. Using a serrated knife, cut a rectangular flap around the string/knot. Use this hole to fill it with candy, amazing treats, cute little thingies and anything else you'd like to include. Tape the flap shut when you're done. 

7. Now you just have to find a stick and a nice place to hang it by a rope. Then get friends to be blindfolded and blindly (obvs) swing at it until the contents dumps gleefully all over the ground.

Here's a video! I haven't watched it, so I hope it's accurate.

Card me.

I realized the other day that I was formerly addicted to handing out business cards as a half joke, half tipsy attempt to make tons of friends. Unfortunately, when you don't have a job anymore that effort is challenged by the fact that you don't have any accurate business cards to hand out to people. Random torn up pieces of paper and gum wrappers are not hot, so I decided to order business cards. Have you heard of Vista Print? They like free magic things like business cards. Basically there are 10201010 different designs and you just pay for shipping. I assumed there were other sites where you could make this happen, so just Google "free business cards." You'll be shocked. 

Anyway, thankfully last night I had a social engagement where I found myself the one person with whom I was not intimately acquainted (not like that) and decided to try out my new business card. It was pretty satisfying, not an exact replica for the feeling of confidence that comes with handing out a card associated with an actual job, but close enough!

Memorganization.

In my group of friends I am the historian. I always have a camera and always have. That means i have about 923838202 photos because that number almost looks like my age. Since becoming job-free I have taken it upon myself to organize these memories into some kind of sense. Because I have spent much of the new millennium with a digital camera, Flickr has helped me to square these memories away into little "sets." I am attempting to do that with my paper (analog!) photos. Here are some ways to go about this and to in other ways make use of your mems:

• Boxes: The photo above shows a birthday present my mom sent me. She organized by year (don't laugh at how many there are) photos from my entire life. The first year she put into a book with cute paper and other information. This is my favorite means of organization because you can get cute boxes (sometimes expensive) that stack easily OR you can use old shoe boxes that you "gift wrap" like you would have a text book in 7th grade. Nah mean?
• Scan: This is a great way to make your memories Y2k compatible and to share them with friends. You can create Facebook albums and haunt friends of yore. With these scans you can also...
• Publish: This is my favorite thing ever. A few months ago some friends and I got together and using Blurb, we created an amazing one-of-a-kind book that spanned years. These make AMAZING gifts and are actually really affordable considering the amazing final product.
• Frame: I moved a few months ago and when I did I made it a point to refresh all of my photo frames. It was starting to look like I was in denial about the fact that it's not actually acceptable to assume I am still 21, so my memorial decor had to represent that. You can cheaply print photos from all of the hosting sites where you likely have your digital pictures and if you'd like, you can go opposite day and just put REALLY old pictures in your frames. It might make you feel young again. Since you don't have a job you can change them out daily. Go for it, dude.

Bottom line, memorganization (as I am calling it) is a good opportunity to acquaint yourself with new technologies, clean up, terrorize friends and decorate your house. Pretty sweet, right?

A woman's work.

Food is expensive! Going out to eat is fun, though. Mainly because you don't have to deal with messes or think too much about it. Good news! If you don't have a job, you have plenty of time to think about it and to make your kitchen into an Eden-like haven for food mastery. I am a firm believer that you want to spend time in rooms that are organized and well assembled. A well armed and labeled kitchen will save you money in the long run and once you're well educated and armed for culinary battle your time spent watching Top Chef (darn it, Carla) can be spent admiring their mise-en-place rather than simply talking crap on Leah's baby talk and Hosea's goatee. Here are some thoughts on how to both economize and organize your food space:

• Recipe box: I recently organized my recipes which had been printed onto various scraps of paper, reproduced from the internet and made up from my brain. They went on index cards and into a plastic box that cost me a whopping $2.25. My cards came with 5 dividers (they were $4 something) so I made sections for sweets, bevs, dinners, sides/salads and soups. I also color coded the name of the recipe so I would have easy access to my vegetarian recipes. Handy and cute!
• Pot rack: I have meagerly kitchen storage space. It's pathetic. Therefore, I have 2 racks for pot and pan storage. It looks "restaurant kitchen-chic" and I don't have to stack them awkwardly at ankle height only to fold myself in half each time I need to use one. I also recommend those stacky bowls from Crate and Barrel. I have never used anything more, except for that little tiny one. 
• Pantry power: I am obsessed with storage containers that hold food that people actually eat. Not just weird spaghetti canisters whose contents are older than...well, me. I mean functional containers for things like lentils, quinoa, cous cous and other assorted items. These things are usually very inexpensive and can turn themselves (with your help) into magic dinner. Stock up and force yourself to be a slave to your pantry. 
• Potlucks!: Now that your kitchen is organized, well stocked and you are smart in the ways of a host of recipes, you can have a potluck. I was told recently that the potluck is BACK, so look into it, people! They're cheap, you can insist that everyone bring copies of the recipe for their dish and if people get too drunk they can sleep on your couch. 
• Dishwasher: Remember the person you got to rub your feet? Ask them to do the dishes!

Neat, huh? 

In good times and bad times.

I apologize in advance for the photo. I couldn't help myself.

At a later date I will get more serious on how and where you may be able to donate your time to a worthy and local cause. For now I am doing some pondering on the home-front. I am going to be optimistic and assume all of my readers have a robust and valuable friend family. These are equally as important as an actual family (and usually less annoying/way more fun) and if you don't have one, please email me for tips on how one may be obtained. 

OK, so assuming you have friends, there are several ways in which time can be chic-ly filled. For example:

• Babysit: I am not a parent, but if I were I would miss going to movies. Movies are an excellent place to be in the dark while not talking (unless you're annoying...and if you talk in movies maybe that's why you may not have a friend family) and enjoying people on the screen who are prettier than me. If you have friends with babies, perhaps you can volunteer your time babysitting their rug rat(s) so they can go not talk to one another for a couple of hours. Who knows, maybe they'll order you a pizza (free dinner).
• Personal Assistant: I have a friend (hi, M) who recently bought a house. She watched me fill out unemployment paperwork with ease and confidence which led her to lament the fact that I was gainfully employed when she was in the purchasing process. Had I had all of this free time then, I could have helped her with paperwork. Have a stressed out friend? Maybe you can run errands or in some other way make their employed life easier.
• Wedding Planner: Do you have a friend who is getting married (don't we all)? Perhaps you can assist them in some aspect of the planning. I don't know first hand but it seems like wedding planning is very detail oriented. Since you didn't lose your job for being un-detail oriented, perhaps you can put those skills to use. And when the wedding is amazing, they will always remember your hand in their special day. Ok, that's selfish. 
• Street Team: Do you have any artist or musician friends who are trying to "make it big?" Perhaps you can manage their Myspace or Facebook page. Or volunteer to photograph their next "gig." Or in some other way put all of your talents to their good use. Again, when they're rich and famous, they will remember your friendly philanthropy.

Again, just some thoughts. Do you see where I am going with this? Basically, offer to do the stuff that normally falls outside of simple good friend duties. While using your time to be a chic awesome friend, you will in turn make a friend's life better.

And obviously, this is an open invitation to any of my friends who are reading. Ask away!